My first movie review.

Ok, so I go to see the new Batman movie with a buddy. I am a bit apprehensive due to the fact that the previous Batman movies have landed just this side of crap suckage. It was much too obvious that the stooges that wrote those scripts only watched the old TV show, and that was their basis for the movies.

Now, on to this latest effort. Christopher Nolan and his crew have actually gone back and read the DC comics. (Or secretly I believe they already had them and just reread them to brush up on the details.) It was well written, directed and acted. The characters weren't charactures of themselves, but believable people trying to make semblance of an imperfect world. The emotional angst of fears, history, and doing what one BELIEVES to be the right thing. Then the consequences of making what turns out to be the wrong choice. Bruce Wayne is just a man. A really buff ass-kicking man, but still ultimately just a man. All the gagets and martial arts training won't carry you that last couple of inches when it all comes down to you and the other guy. It is your ability to stick to what you believe is right.

Thanks guys, you got it right.

Cingular Wireless Carnival Freakshow

This saga begins with my attempt to provide a better customer service experience myself. Unfortunately this would require that I inturn rely on another company and their "customer care".

Several months ago I decided that those who require my services during off hours should not have to go through an "after hours answering service" to reach me. They should be able to contact me directly and we could solve the problem together. Using the philosophy of treating others in a way that you wish to be treated, I felt confident that this would be a great opportunity to set myself apart from others in my industry and also provide me with a moment of feeling good about what a thoughtful, big, mature, sincere, attractive, sexy person I am.

Armed with such good intent, how could I possibly go wrong? Let me illuminate if I may. The genesis begins in my initial bone-head decision to sign on with Cingular Wireless. Bone-head you say? But what about that cool little asterisk guy that does cartwheels around the screen on your TV during the ads? The claims of total coverage and high tech support? The guy who says "can you hear me now?" oops, wrong company... Well those are all good advertising gimmicks that lead you to believe that they are so much more than what they really turn out to be.

My first meeting with the sales "associate" was fairly non-eventful. She showed me the total coverage map of my area, and any other area I may wish to visit that was in this solar system. "Hey, let me tell you this sir, you are COVERED!" I must say that when I left the store I was feeling empowered to fulfill my clients' wildest dreams of how I care about them.

Did I mention the 2 year indentured contract of servitude?

In rather short order things started to, shall I say, move in a less than optimal direction. Reception while at my office and on the road (in selected areas) was satisfactory. However, at my home and other office (the very places I needed it to work!!) there was a total lack of reception. Hummph... he says scratching his head. Let's just go back to the store and talk to these well meaning and reasonable people.

Pardon me if I bullet these items as I need to keep them straight due to my eyes glazing over in primal rage while reliving this most fascinating downfall of the human condition.

1.) "Hi, may I speak to Ms. Smith. She was the sales 'associate' who helped me sign on to your program?" "Oh, I'm sorry sir, she doesn't work here anymore." "How can that be, it was just last week?" (Hair on back of neck begins to rise) "Well, you know how these things happen." Ok, forget about it, just soldier on and get to the point. "My cell phone won't work in the areas I need it to. My office in another town and my house, which just happens to be across the street." "Let me check my computer sir. Just as I thought sir, we don't have coverage in those areas." WHAT??? How can this be? What about the asterisk guy and the full coverage map shown to me that extends to Uranus? ......pause for humorous comments about Uranus..... "Well sir, this map on my computer shows the actual cell towers and their associated coverage." "But that wasn't the map I was show when I signed on." "Yes sir, this is the map for sales associates. Didn't you read the contract that actual coverage areas may be intermittent and that we are not liable for areas without coverage?" "You mean the 3-page micro-print legalease thing?" "Yes sir, that's where the information is located." "Could you do me a favor and find it in there for me?" "I'm sorry sir I don't have the time to do that just now." "Didn't think so." "What we can do is download the new software to your phone. That may help." "Sure anything you could do would be great."

2.) Huge surprise, the software didn't help.

3.) Back to the storefront. New sales human. Higher turn-over than a Chinese bullet factory. "My phone still doesn't work in the areas I need it to work." "Well sir there is nothing I can do for you, that's just how these things work." "You mean don't work, right? So what you are telling me is that I am paying for a service that doesn't work." "Yes sir." "Do you hear how unreasonable that sounds?" "Yes sir." "So, seeing as there is no way to correct this, can I get out of that contract?" "Sure sir, you'll need to pay the early termination fee plus $10.00 per month left on your contract and we will be surgically removing your left testicle." "Wow, that seems pretty severe for something that isn't even working." "Sorry sir, that's just how these things work." "You mean don't work." Well, maybe I can limp along by forwarding calls and rerouting problems...

4.) Huge surprise, my clients can't reach me and are getting pissed off.

5.) Back to the storefront. New sales human. Another mishap at the Chinese bullet factory eh? "Ok, I really need to get out of this contract now." "I'm sorry sir you'll need to speak to our customer care center." "You're kidding, right? Can't you just do it here?" "I'm sorry sir we're not authorized to do that from here." "But you are authorized to take my money for a non-working service and sign me into a contract that HAS to be unconstitutional?" "Yes sir."

If there is anything I love better than jock itch and cold toilet seats, it's calling anyone's "customer care" line. Phone trees ROCK! I'm secretly hoping it's a person from India. They get good and pissed at you for not understanding them.

6.) After the initial tech turfs me off to their supervisor, I get transferred to the "Retention" department. Hey, these people are so confident in their abilities, product and service that they have a department who's sole purpose is to keep you from running away screaming.
Well, apparently my phone was one of the lesser quality ones that they sell, or comes free with the contract. "What I can do sir is give you a free 30 day trail of our best phone. It has the best reception and should fix the problem. And if you don't like it just send it back."
(Please remember the map on the sales associates computer that indicated no service towers in my areas of need... I didn't.)
BIG mistake coming... wait for it...wait for it... 3...2...1... "Ok, let's try that."
In an attempt to move this along:

7.) Huge surprise, no diff in the service.

8.) Call customer care again, they say to bring phone to storefront and return it. My account will be zeroed and just the remaining months of contract will need to be paid for.

9.) Go to store front, they cannot accept return of phone, sales human cannot stay on line with customer care because she has more people to snare into contracts of illicitude. She says I must send phone back myself, and BTW phone is not 30 day free trail but prorated for the days I've used it. I relate to the sales human that if I were an individual of lesser mental stability that security in my immediate surroundings could not be ensured... on the way out she says in a thick, sweet patronizing way, "Good luck!" Quick calculation of time spent in incarceration for acting out the images running through my mind... nah, I got kids.

10.) Last hope, call customer care again. Just want to end this horror show. Cancel my contract. I just need a service that will work. Phone ghoul at "Call Center" of 900 people will not attempt to find those responsible for the waste of my day trying to clear this up. "I'm not going to get up and try to find that person. There are 900 people here." BTW when you activated the 30 day free trail - now not free, but prorated phone, you started a new 2 year contract and voided your remaining several months on your previous contract.
Did I mention that primal rage thing before?...

Important point here: I'm really not one of those crazy customers that you seeing going ballistic at the store. Really.

Until now.

After bringing the phone hag around to my way of thinking, we cleared up the prorated thing, and the "new" 2 year contract. Cancelled my contract and she read back to me my account status. My next bill would be $150.00 for the remaining time on my contract. Phew!! Wipe sweat from brow and take a deep breath. Hallaluyah!!!

1 month later...

bill comes for $250.00 of course I was charged for the prorated use of the phone. I gave myself the gift of not calling the "customer care" misanthropes.

It cost me $100.00.

The best money I've ever spent.

The Rock

Ok, so I was watching Chris Rock the other night. Is it me or is this guy freakin' brilliant. He doesn't pull any punches that I can tell. He is an equal opportunity artist. He slams everyone with equal abandon. I remember the first time I saw him, but can't remember on what show. It was back when "fresh" was still slang. He had a different look and carried himself in a way that was apart from all the other hacks. He was watching and waiting. Gaining experience and getting the lay of the entertainment land. The only analogy I can make is that he was doing recon. I swear he was scouting and finding his best approach to the target.
This level of human observation is on the same level as Jon Stewart, and Dennis Miller. I know that some will have a problem with Dennis at this juncture in history, but hey, he's still a rather intelligent guy.
I also know that many people have trouble with Chris because he uses lots of profanity and racial slurs. Like I said, he doesn't pull any punches and he calls 'em likes he see 'em.

Keep going Chris, I'm enjoying the #$%^ out of your #$%^ and tell the rest of those $%^&# to keep their #%*& out of your @#%$ business. And if I'm not too careful I just might learn something about how we can be a people.

Dear George

My dear George,
Consider this an open letter, and please just relax, sit back, pop the top on a cold one, and feel asthough it's just two guys, (you and me), havin' a beer and talking on the porch at yer ranch in the Lone Star State.
Remember the old days when Ronnie was in office? Boy I do. Those were some crazy days. We were doing all that sneaky stuff down in a Central American country that I am not at liberty to identify. I was a young buck and full of piss and vineger. I had just taken that oath, you know the one, you took it too, "...to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic..." Well, we did all that stuff that Ronnie asked us to do, and then when it all hit the fan, it always will, watched as Col. North took that round for him just like Mr. Brady took the other one.
On a side note, do you think for a second that a veteran, decorated, carved out of wood, hoorah Marine Corp Colonel with a Blood Stripe was going to look bad as some cake eating dork took pot-shots at him? He had alot of grass roots support because everyone knew exactly what was happening.
Back to our porch-step bull session George, enjoying yer beer? I brought them so they're Guiness...
Uncle Ronnie was a pro. You can call him alot of things, but you can never call him a rank amateur. That guy was smooth and could sell a plan with the best of them. He also had some really neuron rich people around him that had his back above all else. It reminded me of going to a car dealership. You know going into it that you are going to get screwed, but a good salesperson will at least give you the illusion that you are getting a deal. He gave me the illusion, the fantasy, the barest crumb of hope that maybe, just maybe what he was telling me was the truth. I have to tell you George, between you and me, I bet that guy was never without a hot babe on his arm. He was the poster-child for the philosiphy that there is no such thing as a virtuous woman, only clumsy men and bad timing.
This pretty much brings me to the point of why we're sitting here on your porch drinking beer and waxing prophetic about the good ol' days. George, man to man, tell me, what the hell are you doing. From all the sources of information that are out there, I really don't think I'm getting the whole picture, (insert tongue in cheek big understatement here). So I'm asking you, as one man to another, don't suger coat it. Don't look to any of the people behind you that are supposed to have your back, quick tip here buddy, they're watching their portfolio's. Just tell me, in your own words. If you are doing this for money, power, prestige, or God and country please tell me the straight-up unspun truth. I promise I won't tell anyone else. Your secret will be safe with me. Cuz I'll be straight with you, I feel asthough I'm getting the high hard one from the very goverment to which I so readily handed over my innocence, two friends, and depending on your faith, my immortal soul.

Go ahead and keep the rest of the beer, it's a long drive back home and it would probably just get warm anyhow.

Guns are inherently evil.

Riddle me this one Batman:

If guns are truely inherently evil, then that bestows upon them some rudementary understanding of good and bad, right and wrong, yin and yang, black and white, cats and dogs right? Ok, so how does an inanimate object rise to this level of conscienceness? Oh, that's right I'm being silly and missing the point huh? It's the humans weilding these machines of the Devil. I could spout all the rhetoric back and forth, i.e. "guns don't kill people, people kill people", "if we didn't use guns, we'd just go back to swords and clubs".
The sad fact is, this freakin' lame excuse for a self aware being we call homo sapien will always find ways of killing itself and it's brothers and sisters. Firearms just happen to be the tools of late they are using to get the job done faster and more efficiently.
In my myopic opinion getting rid of guns won't stop the planet's apperent number one sport. As a speices, once we get to the point where we feel the death of a stranger as keenly as that of a loved one, our collective future history may, and I stress MAY, be less bloody.
But then again I could be full of crap. I'm just a hack with a blog. That's like a needle in a stack of needles. And I still feel that blaming guns for killing people is like blaming spoons for Rosie O'Donnel being fat.

Gotta get back to what passes for work around here.

Ok I have a Blog...

Ok, so I have a Blog. I'll just add to the plethora of others in this sea of meaningless errata.
Maybe, just once in awhile it will be funny, informative, or just plain unexplainable.

BTW don't bother to correct my spelling, that will only serve to try my patience.